Around 2016, I randomly bought a Rubbermaid 20oz water bottle at the local grocery store. Little did I know this would lead to a love affair and associated heartbreak! 😂
I gave little thought to this water bottle when I bought it. Previous to this, I didn’t even use water bottles. Over the years, out of aversion to cognitive load, I bought more of these exact bottles. I’d lose them at the airport, or drop them on a rock and break them. But it was, fine, I just bought another one.
Until one day, they stopped selling them on Amazon….
I was annoyed, so I bought another random water bottle, not thinking much about it. I hated the new bottle. I tried to find a similar bottle to the Rubbermaid 20oz, but it didn’t exist. The new Rubbermaid bottles are different, not acceptable! I realized I hated all other bottles, even from Rubbermaid. Could it be? I randomly found the unicorn water bottle at a local grocery store? It made no sense…but I accepted the challenge.
I set about a quest to write down the requirements for what makes a perfect water bottle, and for other completely insane people like me, I’ll share it with you to reduce your cognitive load. Here it is:
- 20oz: It must be 20oz, and only 20oz in volume. I’ve tried, 16oz and they’re too small. They’re skinny, and they fall over too easily, which is super annoying. Also, if you do anything physical like riding a bike, or running, it’s not quite enough water, it runs out too quickly. On the other hand, 28oz and 32 oz are too big. They’re very stable, and don’t fall over, but they’re too big to fit in cup holders in your car, or folding chairs. Also, they take up too much room in a gym bag or backpack on an airplane, and are slightly less stable to hold in your hand. No, 20oz is the size ordained by God.
- Doesn’t Tip Over too Easily: it is surprisingly annoying when you’re sitting a water bottle down and it falls over. Especially, as you drink some of the water, or the bottle is nearly empty, many bottles become top heavy and want to fall over. It’s super annoying. This is particularly true with 16oz bottles, or bottles with heavy lids made out of dense material. I reject these bottles as unholy.
- Resists Stink: a surprising number of water bottles have silicon or rubber in the opening where you drink from. These bottles start to stink very quickly, within a day, and you can smell it every time you take a drink. I’ve never gotten sick from it, but it’s gross. Bottles with hard plastic do not seem to have this problem. You can rinse them off, or not, and use them for days and days with no smell.
- Hard Plastic: Glass with silicon over it is too heavy, and could still break. Metal is annoying and makes noises when it falls over, or bangs into stuff in your bag. Plus, it’s old against you lips. No, hard BPA-free plastic is the way prescribed by local bishops and the Pope alike.
- Narrow Mouth for Drinking: I hate wide mouth bottles when I’m drinking. It’s so easy to take too big of a drink, and spill it all over yourself, especially when you’re tired after a hard workout. Also, wide mouth lids allow you to spill WAY too much water, way too quickly, if you’re in a survival situation out in the middle of nowhere. Straws are also terrible, when you’ve just sprinted, or finished Deadlifts the last thing you want is sucking bits of water through a straw. A narrow, but open mouth top prevents this, but there are caveats…Â
- Wide Mouth for Filling: A narrow mouth, found on most aluminum bottles is annoying to fill. The narrow mouth Nalgene bottles are a fail as well, because trying to fill a 20-32oz water bottle through a 1″ opening makes you see murder in your eyes. Now, the lid must accommodate wide mouth (3″) filling, but narrow mouth (1″) drinking. More on this later
- Tether Strap: The tether strap bends, and let you move the bottle around in your bag. It lets you push the bottle into small spaces without getting caught up (like water bottle pouches on motorcycle bags). Too many water bottles have hard plastic grab rings, and they’re a total fail. Also, the hard plastic rings usually stick out of one side, and make it more annoying to screw the cap on. Â
- Screw Top: the top must screw on. The flip tops are not good enough, because you want to put the water bottle in your backpack with a laptop and not worry about water spilling everywhere. Way too many water bottles have the flip top that you drink from, and those are a disaster waiting to happen.
With these requirements in mind, I discovered that it is true, I did indeed randomly find the best water bottle ever made, randomly, in a grocery store, with zero thought given to it. The old Rubbermaid met all of these requirements, without even trying to! That said, I “think” I’ve found a new love, the Yeti Yonder, Tether Strap:
Notice, it has a tether strap, it has a 1″ narrow mouth opening for drinking and a 3″ opening for filling. It’s surprisingly not top heavy, and the part where you drink from is hard plastic and doesn’t stink after a day. Also, the rubber/plastic on the bottle and lid actually feel nice in your hand. I think I have found my new love. The only downside is the annoying price tag, they’re expensive. I recently bought three of these bottles. Now…. I just hope Yeti never stops making it.