🤯 The Headbutt of Truth: Why Being Right Will Get You Killed (or at Least Head-Butted)
Listen, I made a monumental mistake fifteen years ago that I still think about. It wasn’t the flirting (I was 35, and it was before I met my wife, so cut me some slack). It wasn’t even the fact that the ensuing fight happened in a sticky, nasty bar bathroom (The Getaway Pub, in Akron, Ohio).
The real screw-up? I confused objective truth with survival. The setup was classic: I was headed to the bathroom and saw this rockabilly-looking girl who I thought was cute. As I headed to the bathroom, I flirted with her. Then, I went into the bathroom, to the urinal. Suddenly, some dude busts in screaming, “You grabbed my girlfriend’s ass!” Now, objectively, factually, materially—I did not. That’s not my jam. I opened my mouth to defend the integrity of my un-grabbing hands.
“I didn’t grab your girlfriend’s ass!”
“Yes, you did!”
“No, I didn’t!”
And right there, between the second “no I didn’t” and the third yell of “yes, you did,” a lightning bolt hit me. A flash of profound clarity hit me…..
The Symbolic Ass-Grab: Why Facts Don’t Matter
Here’s the meta-point that matters in bathroom bar brawls, boardrooms, and everything in between: Flirting and “grabbing an ass” are, in the primordial ooze of logic, in an angry boyfriend’s consciousness, symbolically the same. In the zero-sum game of male insecurity, my action was not judged by CCTV footage; it was judged by its perceived intent. I was a threat to his “exclusive reproductive access to a female primate” – the truth of the physical act was irrelevant—the underlying offense was committed. Symbolically, they’re the same. And that’s when I realized that: He’s going to fight me no matter what I say or do. Arguing the facts gives me zero agency in stopping the fight, only in taking the first strike.
My insistence on objective truth was a tactical blunder, an argument waged in a language (logic) that the opponent wasn’t speaking (rage).
The Sun Tzu Blunder and the Price of Half-Commitment
I’m convinced many smart people have died, lost battles, and lost millions of dollars while clutching their verified, peer-reviewed facts. Why? Because they prioritize being right over winning. My tactical mistake, after realizing the fight was on, perfectly illustrates this: I half-committed.
I threw him against the wall to show him I was stronger and bigger than him, then—like a moron—I loosened up when he played the “alright, alright” card. As Sun Tzu warned (referencing an older Chinese book, The Spring and The Summer Annals): “If you cannot be strong, yet cannot be weak, that will be your demise.” I was neither fully committed to the aggression nor fully submissive. I was hanging out in the stupid, logical middle ground. The Reward for my Logic? A headbutt. The moment I relaxed my grip, he saw his opening, and WHAM.
Luckily, my reflexes reduced a broken nose, to a busted lip. Blood went everywhere. It was his reward for understanding that in this moment, deception can beat objective strength.
The Takeaway: You Need to Understand the Rage
We all need objective skills. You need to know how to structure a deal, how to write code, or yes, how to put your fist on another person’s face. But once you’ve got “enough” objective reality, it’s more useful to understand the irrational needs of the human brain. if you want to succeed in any contentious situation—from schoolyard brawls to multi-million dollar deals—you must prioritize the better understanding of the very irrational human brain over more and better objective facts.
When your opponent says, “Are you calling me a liar?”—he’s not asking for a logical answer. He’s irrationally issuing a warning – working himself into a fervor so that he can attack you. It’s a survival advantage to do so. And if you wait to analyze the facts, you’ve already lost the agency to attack first. So, next time you are convinced you are right, take a deep breath. Ask yourself: Is my opponent operating in a fact-based reality (open-ended game), or is their brain operating on some sort of symbol (zero-sum game)? Because if it’s the latter, stop defending the ass grabbing you didn’t do, and start preparing for the headbutt that’s coming.